Never?
by wastedaddiction
Summary: Souichi's depressed over the fact that he cant have kids. Can Morinaga cheer him up?
1. Chapter 1

All characters belong to Takanaga Hinako.

Okay, so for this story, Souichi and Morinaga had been dating for a while. Like, serious dating. I have their whole future planned out (but that is for another author's rant), and while I was planning, I thought, Hmm, would they want children? And I guess I was a little surprised when I came to the conclusion that A) yes, they would want kids and B) Souichi would want them the most.

To me, he comes off as incredibly caring. He likes to take care of people, and feels its his responsibility. Under all that armor is a really different person. So I think he'd be totally crushed to realize that he couldnt have children with the person he really loved.

This is a particularly sad topic to me. I got really depressed and stopped writing it for a while. I even cried a little (which is stupid, because Im too young to have children anyways). And I know-if it makes you cry, you really shouldnt write. But no...I dont agree with that. It's the emotion that makes a story so good, and if Im emotional while writing it...

And I also know this might offend some people. Im truly sorry for that. I wont object if you ask me to take it down. But I did want to post this, just to get some opinions on the subject. Sorry if it's OOC. But I do have a part 2 and 3 coming.

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><p>Souichi was lying in the dark. His glasses were off and his hair was loose. His face was colorless and still wet with tears, though he had stopped crying some time ago.<p>

_Never_, he thought, letting the pain settle again.

He had been locked in his room for about three days now—or was it four? He wasn't counting—and couldn't bring himself to come out. Tetsuhiro was taking care of the experiments at school so he didn't have to worry about another failure.

_Never_. The word seemed to haunt his thoughts now, ghosting around and finding its way into everything. Every memory, every experience, every thought of the future, all of it was clouded with Never.

A small knock at his door jerked him out of his thoughts, though only for a second. He rolled over on his back and sighed before calling for Tetsuhiro to enter. He was carrying a tray with a bowl and a glass on it. More food, although he didn't eat anything from the last two trays. It felt like he didn't get hungry at all these days, and when he did, he couldn't eat more than a few bites before the depression would force it up again. He knew that made Tetsuhiro worry, could see it on his face. He had always been able to read the younger man like a book. Lately he had been trying to hide it, and did it considerably well, until he closed the door. Souichi could hear him sob on the other side. That made it worse. Tetsuhiro was suffering too.

Never, Never, Never.

He didn't think he would ever want children. His whole life was planned around his research or his family, but he had never really given that much thought to starting his own. As an average expectation, he imagined that one day he would meet a woman, fall in love, get married, and have kids. However, the moment he realized just how he felt about Tetsuhiro, all of that shattered. It didn't take long after the realization for him to give in to the younger student. He had accepted the spike in Tetsuhiro's affection, the fact that they slept in one bed now, waking up next to him every day. He had accepted the lovemaking; the sweet whispers in his ear, the almost constant connection between them. He had even accepted that he needed Tetsuhiro too, craved him, really, really loved him. But he expected that to be the end to it. It would be selfish to want more than he already had and yet…

He couldn't have children. Not with Tetsuhiro. Not with the person he loved. He could _never _have them. It hurt to think about that. The trigger itself was in one rain-filled afternoon. They had been visiting Matsuda, and Kanako buzzed in his ear about how happy she was that they were "official". Gosh, when did she start using words like that? She was asking Tetsuhiro if they were going get married, or if they planned on getting a puppy or something. A puppy? When he had asked, Kanako frowned in sympathy.

"Because you guys can never have children of your own…"

Matsuda scolded Kanako for her insensitivity, but Souichi swallowed and waved it off, ignoring the continuing conversation on what kind of animal to get. Realization dawned on him. He had been taking care of others most of his life. With the death of his mother came the responsibility, and although it took a while to learn how to care for kids—especially since he was practically one himself—he started to enjoy it. Now Kanako was almost sixteen and he pretty much had an empty nest. So as a natural reasoning, he wanted to fill it again.

But he couldn't. Neither he nor his lover could have children if they chose each other, and they did. He breathed another heavy sigh.

"Souichi?" Tetsuhiro called attentively. They had been dating for a little more than two years now and Tetsuhiro was still nervous about using his first name. "Are you hungry?"

He watched with heavy-lidded, dark-circled eyes as his lover brought the tray over to the nightstand and sat on the edge of the bed. He knew what this was doing to him. He knew that Tetsuhiro was hurt just because he was, but he was so depressed and couldn't find the will to comfort him.

"It's been a few hours since you've tried to eat anything. I brought something light and a glass of water in case you can't keep it down. I don't want you to get sick again." His fingers lightly brushed Souichi's cheek, and he sighed. That's all they seemed to be doing these days. "You really need to eat something, though. You're getting thinner." When the older man didn't reply—he didn't expect him to—he continued. "This isn't healthy. You haven't been out of this room in days. When's the last time you've seen sunlight or have gotten fresh air? Don't you miss going to the university? Professor Fukushima has been asking about you. And you know Kanako has been wondering why you won't answer her calls. She's getting worried. I'm worried. You _need_ to get out of your room, if not for her—"his voice had started getting desperate and breaking. Fromexperience, Souichi knew that Tetsuhiro didn't like him to see the tears. He would leave in a minute or two. "For me?"

Souichi remained quite. What could he say?

With one last sigh, Tetsuhiro urged him to eat something, watched Souichi shake his head, and—offering a sad smile—walked out of the room , leaving the tray, and silently shutting the door. Once he was sure he was alone, he whispered into the darkness.

"I'm sorry."


	2. Chapter 2

All characters belong to Takanaga Hinako.

Gosh, I think this is the quickest I've ever got something out. And here I was, thinking it would take me forever to write. Then bada-boom, here it is!

Well, it's mostly emotional stuff and very little plot. I suck at plots.

Morinaga is trying not to be too pushy. And Souichi isnt really mad at _him_, so much as just life in general.

There's so much I want to say here, but I dont know where to begin, so I'll just end the author's rant here and let you read the story.

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><p>Tetsuhiro closed the door and almost immediately dropped the obviously fake smile. He stood outside for a while then finally slumped down into a heap, leaning his back against the door, folding his arms around his knees, burying his face, and sobbed quietly.<p>

Souichi hurt so much! It was his fault!

He knew he shouldn't blame himself, but that didn't stop him from doing it. If he didn't pursue his senpai, he wouldn't have fallen in love with Tetsuhiro, would've had a normal life, and would be able to have children. Tetsuhiro didn't think he wanted them that badly. He wasn't even aware of it until he started asking. Their conversations suddenly took unexpected turns towards the subject of kids and Tetsuhiro was unsure what to do. He was gay. He had long since given up the idea of ever having them. But Souichi wanted them so badly!

This was killing him inside. What could he do? He had offered up the option of adopting before when the questions of children first started. Souichi had quietly asked him if he ever wanted kids, then just as quietly admitted he wanted his own. When Tetsuhiro suggested they adopt—when their life was settled of course—Souichi said no. Well, he said "I don't really think so…I'm scared it won't mean the same if they aren't mine." So he didn't push that certain subject any further.

Kanako had suggested they get a puppy or perhaps a bird. Something simple to place their extra attention and affection on. Something to take care of. Something they could share. At first, Tetsuhiro rejected the idea_. I have Senpai. That's all I need. And besides, a dog can't take the place of a child. _But now he was thinking that any substitute would do. Heck, even a small plant in the window—just something to take Souichi's mind off the impossible.

Tetsuhiro got up and lumbered over to the bathroom. Taking a look at himself in the mirror made him grimace. All his days were spent worrying about and taking care of the love of his life. He hardly had time to take care of himself. His once deep black hair had lost its sheen. His eyes resembled a puppet's in their lifelessness. His lips seemed to contain the most color in his now extremely pale face, holding a soft pink. His body felt heavy and worthless (it couldn't give Souichi what he really wanted, so what use was it?) and mechanical. And although he felt like a walking piece of garbage, he put on a small smile for Souichi. God knows he needed one. However, if his body held the ability his eyes did, Souichi could probably walk straight through Tetsuhiro. Something told him that he wasn't fooling anybody. Not even himself.

Stripping, he stumbled into the shower, turning the water so hot at first that it almost threatened to blister his skin, then placing it at near freezing. He forced himself to stay under it. It was punishment for all the pain of the last few months. He leaned his head on the tiled wall and sobbed again. What in the world could make this right? Souichi had been against the relationship at first. He thought it was against nature. Was it? And now, were they suffering because of that? So many questions flooded Tetsuhiro's head. He wanted all of this to go away. He wanted the pain to go away. He wanted a solution.

Truth be told, he didn't really want children himself. He had grown accustomed to the idea that he would never have any. It was okay with him. He never mentally prepared himself for having a family. And although he was good with kids, he wasn't so sure of his parenting skills. Would the child grow up straight or gay? Would they be picked on? Tetsuhiro had rambled off a list of options for replacement of what they couldn't have. None of them were accepted. But the image of Souichi just lying in that bed, crying his heart out day after day…it was _so intolerable_.

He started off as being kind of upset about it. Later he grew moody, then angry. But very quickly, that turned into sadness, depression…Now he was throwing up his meals and losing weight so fast it couldn't be healthy. He hadn't been out of the room for a while—only to take showers—and often ignored Tetsuhiro. That was another thing that hurt so much. Tetsuhiro tried so hard for so long to gain his attention. When he got it, he had to try harder to keep it. Then the attention became permanent when he admitted his feelings. Over the years, they had grown closer. Tetsuhiro thought Souichi was past ignoring him. He was just trying to help—gosh, he wanted to help him so bad! He would do anything—cut off his arm if he thought it would make Souichi happy again. He needed sunshine and fresh air. He needed to eat. He needed to let Tetsuhiro in again.

This was his fault.

All his fault.

In the rushing of the freezing water, one could barely hear him whisper, "I'm sorry."


End file.
